I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing. With a broken heart that’s still beating. In the pain, there is healing. In your name I find meaning.
These are the words in the chorus of Broken by Lifehouse. Lifehouse, also in my Top 3 Bands of all-time, manages to echo my thoughts. I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing, I am in a million pieces, bleeding profusely from so many wounds that I just want to die.
Before we move on to the next segment in this series and address forgiveness of self and others, I felt it was important to connect on one more point. The depth of our brokenness. I want it to resonate in the pit of your stomach so violently that you know that today is your day to make a change.
I think we go blindly through life thinking we are the anomaly in the human race. No one can understand our pain, our struggles, our life. No one else has ever had to deal with these emotions. No one can ______. Really?! Are we that selfish to think that the entire universe has revolved solely around us while others go merrily along their way? Please! Get over yourself.
For years, I hid in my coffin I built for myself. Never letting anyone in to know the truth. Not even my own family, whom I’m very close with, knows all of the truth. I wanted everyone to see what I wanted them to see. So, if I did it then why wouldn’t others? If I’m broken, just how broken is everyone else?
What I want you to realize is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Yes, it is true that we each have unique experiences to contend with. However, the emotions we deal with are the same. We can empathize. We can support. We can help each other through.
Let’s stop putting on the pretense that we are okay. That we are healthy. That we are living full and happy lives.
Is this you?
- You wake up in the morning with panic rising in your chest.
- You are discontent with the skin you live in.
- You are tired, afraid, anxious, spent.
- You are in an empty nothingness just moving from point A to point B.
- You listen to the taunting names screaming at you inside your head: failure. loser. mess. good for nothing. unreliable. unstable. not good enough. ugly. trash. whore. addict. terrible parent. Should I go on?
- You’ve thought about walking out on everyone you know to start over a new life under a new name – totally off the grid.
- You have no earthly idea who you are anymore, what you like or who you want to be.
- Death seems so peaceful, if only.
- As you are reading this right now, you can barely swallow while you are fidgeting in your chair.
The discomfort of looking in the mirror is too difficult. You are thinking about closing this post so you can keep your composure. It’s your choice. But, it will only delay the inevitable.
You see those statements above were mine. And, they were only a few of the long list of emotions and thoughts I had for years.
Putting a band-aid on a severed artery will not stop the bleed out
What is your band-aid? Alcohol? Sex? Drugs? Work? Religion? Yes, even “religion” can become a band-aid when we don’t allow for true healing.
I say it a lot and will say it again. We all medicate with something. When we can’t deal we medicate. We all create an out to stop the bleeding but never really stop it. When my “poo” hit the fan, I turned to work. I invested everything I was to being the best at my job. Even managed to do the unthinkable in my job and received 3 promotions in a brief period of time. I became the poster child in my organization. It never stopped the bleed out.
When work was no longer a numbing agent, I added in sex and alcohol. They didn’t numb me either. The hemorrhaging had become so extensive over those years that nothing numbed me anymore. So I started to ask the God I was busy blaming to just end it. Please let me fall asleep and never wake up. Please let me go in a car crash. Please…. Please… Please….
Yes, it was that bad.
From Zombie to Fully-Alive
I’m begging you to realize just how important this is to your remaining alive. This really is a life or death situation you are in! People, we are meant to live abundant, fully functional, restored lives. Not ones with worry and fear and anger. Not ones of death and destruction.
I have a past full of horrific, painful, broken events. Degrading and demeaning words and situations. Bad choices on my part. Parts of my life I gave away. Parts of my life were stolen.
We can either sit right where we are and bleed to death. Or, we can say enough is enough. Today I start to heal. Today I want more. Today I choose to become fully alive!
You are worth it! You are so very, very worth it!